“AND.THE BYPASS, SOLD, TO A CHILD!”

The auction house that night was packed, for there was a rumor that a quadruple bypass would be among the items sold that night, and everyone wanted to have that handy, “just in case” as they liked to say.
The auctioneer walked to the podium. “We'll start tonight's auction with a testicular cancer exam,” he announced. “Let's open the bidding at five hundred. Do I hear five hundred?”
A youth of no more than twenty raised his hand. “Five hundred!” he shouted.
From there, the auctioneer was in his element.
“Five Hundred. Do I hear six hundred?”
“Six Hundred,” shouted an elderly man who looked like he might actually make some use of it in the near future.
“Six hundred,” said the auctioneer. “Do I hear . ?”
“Seven hundred,” shouted the youth from before.
Before the auctioneer could even repeat this a woman wearing a shirt that read “All men are scum and I wouldn't give one even the time of day even if my soul depended on it” stood up.
“One Thousand,” she said.
“Two thousand,” said the old man.
“A hundred thousand,” said the woman.
Everyone froze. This was a woman who wanted this exam and was going to own it one way or another.
“But why?” said the old man. “You obviously have no man in your life, so why do you want it? What will you do with it?”
“Keep all scum like you from ever getting it,” she answered harshly. “And no, I won't share it or in any way give you a chance to get it.”
The old man sat down, appalled at her total disregard for any life but her own.
“Sold, to the man hater,” said the auctioneer, and she walked up to claim her prize.
“Next, we have a vaginal cancer screening test up for auction. Let's start the bidding at five hundred again.”
“Seven hundred,” shouted an older woman.
“One thousand,” shouted the youth from before.
“One thousand,” said the auctioneer, but before he could go further there was another bid.
“Five Hundred Thousand,” said a different young woman.
All of the older women sat in stunned silence. Then. . .
“One million,” shouted a pair of men that were obviously a gay couple.
“One million, from the men who clearly have no women at all in their lives. Going once, going twice, SOLD, to the two people in this audience least likely to ever need it.”
The two men made no argument with any of this as they walked u;p and claimed their prize.
“Next up we have a leg transplant, so we'll start the bidding at one thousand. . .”
“One thousand,” said a man with only one leg.
Before the auctioneer could even respond, a young woman who obviously had two fully functional legs stood up. “Five hundred Thousand,” she said. “Man this country is great. I can buy this even though I don't need it.”
And she was right, for while a man with one leg in a wheelchair swore bitterly under his breath, none even tried to outbid her.
“Next we have a full face transplant. We'll start the bidding at five-hundred thousand. This will only be good for two weeks before the face spoils, so someone who already needs one or knows omeone who does would be”the auctioneer began.
“One and a half million,” said a woman with a perfectly normal and intact and even beautiful face.
Before the auctioneer could say a word, a young man with half his face gone and the other half badly mutilated stood up. “Five Million,” he said.
The woman gasped and sat down.
“Five million from the man with only half of a badly mutilated face. Going once, going. . .”
“One Hundred million,” said a very handsome young man whose face was obviously in perfect condition and totally intact.
Everyone else sat down, stunned, and so it went to him, and he refused to share it in any way with the man who actually did have a ruined face.
“Lastly, we have a triple bypass heart operation. Let's start the bidding at. . .”
“Fifty Thousand dollars,” said woman who looked far too young to be thinking about this.
Before the auctioneer could respond a man stood up. “Since I actually have a heart condition I'll bid a hundred thousand.”
“Two hundred thousand,” said a boy who looked in top shape but was known to have no living family or friends to speak of. “And I'll not share it if I win it.”
None could outbid that, and so the auctioneer pointed at him and said “SOLD!”
Moments later, the man who had a heart condition collapsed clutching his chest.
“Quick, give us the bypass” said a doctor who had been at the auction.
“No,” said the boy. “I told you, it's mine and I'll not share.”
“But you have no heart condition while this man is dying.”
The boy shrugged indifferently. “Not my problem,” and turned to walk away just as the man's death cry echoed through the auction house.